Four years to Forever

Four years ago today, I got married. Today, I have a toddler, a 35 week old baby on the way, and a husband who works abroad. On some days, just like this one, I feel more than ever just how far away he is. Today is also his birthday, by the way.
There have been ups and downs in the past four years, and I am grateful for how we have been able to overcome the challenges and cope with the changes. Sometimes, however, I feel that the more things change, the more they remain the same. Our relationship developed in spite (or because?) of the long distance, and after four years, it seems that we have spent less time together than apart. My parents still take care of me, and now also my toddler, and soon the new baby. I have lived abroad with my husband and his housemates for five months in 2012, five months in 2015, and four months in 2016. Sometimes, he’d be in the Philippines for a few months, too, where he would stay with me and my parents. Since I got married, it’s like being suspended in time, being neither here nor there, sometimes playing the role of wife, oftentimes still being the overprotected daughter, but always, always, learning to be a full-time, hands-on mom. Going back and forth the US and the Philippines, sometimes I feel that I have been on one long vacation for four years, enjoying a lot of perks like travelling, and also enjoying a lot of privileges, living with my parents. When I was still working, I used to imagine my dream life or perfect day as one that is spent reading books and catching up with friends over coffee and bonding with my family. There are times when it seems that each day is a perfect day. There are also days when I feel frozen in time, unsure of what exactly it means to move forward.
My husband has his fair share of troubles at work but I admire his quest for self-improvement and personal development. He is ambitious and driven and determined to reach his goals. He has changed and grown up a lot since I met him in 2011. I, too, have changed a lot but can’t say exactly how much growing up I’ve done since then. Lately, I’ve just grown bigger. I want to be a hands-on mom but I want to have my own income too. I want to see my children growing up, but I also have my own growing up to do. But now, really, I just want to give birth safely to a healthy baby boy, with my husband beside me. If he isn’t, well, my parents are here to take care of me. And it’s great that my in-laws are very supportive, too. Even if life doesn’t turn out the way one plans it, there’s still so much to be grateful for. I only wish my parents knew how grateful I am that they continue to provide for me, even when they are no longer obliged to.
So what happens next? God only knows. My husband wants one or two more children, and I have to ask him if he’s kidding. I just want a happy, loving, peaceful, God-centered and complete family, and a home of my own. Hoping that the universe delivers, and praying for God’s guidance each step of the way, I look forward to happier anniversaries and birthdays ahead.

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